What We Leave Behind… Or Don’t

I delayed writing this post today. I sat down to write about 40 minutes ago, but distracted myself until now. When I returned to my draft document and the topic for today which I had written there, I found myself unsurprised at my procrastination.

The topic, “post about the last day in Oakland”, reminds me of the delightful time I had while hanging out with Fay in the mountains.

Fay
Fay sits by the fire!

Writing this post makes my leaving even more real, I suppose.

I have tons of fond memories of my time in Oakland. The homeowners are my new found soulmates/friends. The neighborhood was lovely, and the neighbors were kind. I was taken aback by being in a neighborhood where the neighbors knew each other, actually. I realized after 10 years in New York, a few short stints in Washington and Maui, and life on the road, I hadn’t experienced neighbors who were up to date on each other’s lives in awhile. It was nice.

Stairs up to house
One of the houses in the neighborhood.

On Fay and my last walk through the neighborhood, I was deep in reflection mode. As I walked past the houses and through the trees, I felt this sense of homesickness. I was unsure if this feeling was because the area was like where I grew up (NOTE: It is in some ways similar, especially the nature and wildlife. In other ways it is very different, like the types of people and their professions.), or if it was my anticipating leaving such a safe and secure place.

I let this feeling settle over me, and as I continued to look around I realized I was SEEING everything differently. I started to have this sort of perspective when it came to the details. Here let me show you the pictures I was compelled to take:

Purple Flowers

Mailbox

Flowers in the trees

Purple flowers

Green plants

It was as if the rainy day was bringing out colors I hadn’t seen in a long time. Maybe something in me was waking up. Maybe my homesickness was also fear of leaving a place where I felt I’d had time to develop said perspective. Maybe I’m scared to lose it.

What perspective did I develop while in Oakland? I’ve said it a time or two in my videos… I need to go hard at finding myself. With this perspective, and the work I started while on this sit, I’ve already felt an easing of the pressure I’ve put on my life. This easing is my ultimate goal.

During my time in Oakland, I even put together a mighty mission statement to focus me further! Check it out:

I am a striver challenging myself by participating in as many life experiences as I can to develop my life strategy so I can communicate my findings. My dominant personal strengths are discipline and communication, and I am to methodically uncover how I can live a present, authentic, and fun life so that I can share this knowledge with others.

A lot happened in my short 3 weeks in Oakland, and I will miss the inspiration and the surrounding energy. The good news is one of the homeowners agreed to be my writing mentor! This means not only will my writing improve, BUT I’ll also get to talk to her more often… woohoo!

My thinking is with regular updates with my mentor, and by focusing in on self, I should be able to keep the energy and perspective from my time there alive.

As I write this last part, I’m reminded of a line from the note said mentor sent to me yesterday:

“Fay misses you. We miss you. The house misses you. But I don’t feel you’re so far away.“

After writing this and reflecting further, I don’t feel so far away now either.

Getting to the Root

I write to you after a week spent back on the East Coast. My current location is Lincolnton, NC; a smaller town about 45 minutes outside of Charlotte. It’s rural here. It’s maybe not as rural as where I grew up, but there is certainly a great deal here which reminds me of my hometown.

Not the least of these reminders are my childhood friends who currently live in the area. In fact, I’m here because a friend whom I’ve known since I was 4 years old needed a pet sitter while her and her husband honeymoon in New Zealand. I am delighted to be that pet sitter! (NOTE: Their pets are really cute… AND they have a beagle)

Beagle on a bed
Jack gets into bed.
Cat posing
Arya strikes a pose.
Cat curled up
Pickle settles in for TV time.
dog and cats curled up on a couch
The pets curl up for a family cuddle on the couch.

Being surrounded by reminders of my youth has me thinking of a line from a book I recently read:

After all, it is the root that looks after the survival of an organism. It is the root that has withstood severe changes in climatic conditions. And it is the root that has regrown trunks time and time again. It is in the roots that centuries of experience are stored, and it is this experience that has allowed the tree’s survival to the present day. ~ The Hidden Life of Trees; Peter Wohlleben

When I read this, I paused. I’ve often thought of my current journey as one in which I’m getting back in touch with my roots. When one spends so much time alone without much external stimulus and distraction, it’s kind of hard not to go through this process. It’s a process where I’m constantly figuring out and trying to own who I am, why I am, what I believe, and how I want to live in this world. It’s also a process where I investigate how these beliefs were established, or became rooted, to be begin with.

If, as the author says, a being’s roots are the key to its survival of chaotic and changing times, it seems a necessary exercise to get back in touch with mine. After-all, they are what store my experiences and allow me to be who I am in my present day life. If I don’t unearth them, I fear I’ll remain a shell of what others say I should be instead of identifying with my core and living my own narrative.

And you know what… I’ve lived as a shell for far too long.

Guess I’ll keep digging.

East the Sun, West the Moon

•• The title of this post is in reference to one of my favorite stories from my youth.


I write to you from the last afternoon of my house sit here in Templeton. It’s been an emotional day, and I’ve spent most of it reflecting on why. I suppose the first reason is that I’ll miss these pups (who are amazing pets/teachers) immensely. They were kind enough to take me into their pack for these few weeks, and I am grateful for the hospitality.:

Dogs standing next to each other.
Bibi and Buddy hanging out during play time.
English Spaniel laying on the couch.
Bibi watches TV next to me.
Dog asleep on lap.
Buddy doesn’t seem too interested in the show.

Beyond just missing these furry friends, however, something else is going on. But, what?

Fear.

Yeah, I’m scared. Really scared. Not being able to see what’s ahead of me, even though I know it is probably amazing moments and new connections, is really scary. It seems the assurance of the amazing moments doesn’t yet outweigh the potential of the crappy ones. I’m working on it though.

Beyond fear there is a gnawing. I don’t know the short description of it yet, so you’ll have to read more words to get there. The gnawing is this wondering… am I meant to meet all these amazing people and pets, have wonderful times with them, then never see them again? What is the point of that?! It’s deflating. It’s like one let down after the next… and this line of thinking gets me thinking:

What did I sign up for?

I then go into a self battle of You thought you were running towards something, but maybe everyone’s right. Maybe you’re just running away from adult responsibility and reality. Maybe you ARE the failure everyone thinks you are.

I’ll save you from the graphic scene that ensues.

I’m not sure what the answer is or IF there needs to be an answer, but as I stop to consider how to close out this piece I’m reminded of these scenes from the morning after the recent full moon.

Moon in a morning sky.
The moon sits high in the morning sky.
Sunrise with pink clouds.
Not too bad of a sunrise, huh?

As I was walking the dogs I noticed that the moon (seen above) was still high in the morning sky, glowing brightly. Shortly after, the Sun was ALSO rising in the sky. As I noted this, I thought about how both of these seemingly opposite masses were existing in the same place at the time. I chuckled to myself thinking how our binary worlds would go crazy from more of this type of thinking.

Maybe it’s time I go a little crazy then?

Upon Another Arrival

I arrived here in Templeton, CA the day before Labor Day. It’s been a relaxing few days and I’m extremely excited to be spending my longest pet sitting stint yet here. Not only did the homeowners welcome me with open arms, but their dogs are some of the cutest I’ve been around in awhile. Here’s a few shots to share:

wine menu
Menu from the wine / spirits tasting the Templeton homeowners and I went to.
Stacks of books
Look at the amazing books they left for me to leaf through!
Buddy
Buddy really is this cute…
Habibi
Habibi is also really this cute.

I was lucky enough to get a chance to head to the beach yesterday with one of the homeowners (and the pups) before they departed on their adventures earlier this morning (NOTE: I’m writing this to you on September 4th). I have to say I very much look forward to returning to the beach a time or two before I depart later this month. These pictures should give you a hint of what I’ll get to enjoy:

Studio Beach
Time for a walk on the beach
Morro Rock in the distance
Morro Rock in the distance

As I sit here “writing” there are so many things I want to share with you!

I want to tell you about how earlier this summer before heading back West I was able to spend a night with my brother’s ex-fiancée/my still friend along with her 16 year old daughter and her new boyfriend. I want to write an insightful and memorial piece describing how my nuclear family thought I was a traitor for spending this time. I wish I had the talent to better detail how full and whole this time spent made me feel and to describe insight it provided me into my inner being and character. It was pure love.

I also want to talk more about the time I spent getting to know the current homeowners of the pet sit I’m on. I’d like to expound on how amazing these people are and how comforting it is to be in their presence, not to mention to stay in their home. I wish I could relate the utter feelings of gratitude I have for this experience because I know if I could, and if everyone felt this way, there would be a whole lot less negativity in the world.

I itch to confess how scared I was arriving here. How I could barely sleep the first night due to my heart pounding through my eyes, and how I have no idea what and why this fear was. I long to explain the daily battle that occurs as I begin to plot out all I NEED to get done that day for it to be a productive day, then I realize this plotting, and work to accept and let it go.

I fear I’m only scratching the surface of all that I wish to communicate about what I’m currently experiencing, but I’m finding the words have stopped coming to me. So, for once, instead of trying to force them, I’m going to be content with what I’ve written thus far and trust that it’s what needed to be said.

Here’s hoping you agree.