what is the meaning of life Archives

Making a Meaningful Life, Even When Life is Meaningless

Posted on February 25, 2020by Lis

Once I accept the hard, scary fact, that my life is meaningless; that striving to find the meaning I thought was bestowed on me from birth is really a distraction from the fact that I’m just passing time here on Earth, I own that I am the only one responsible for how I choose to spend my time. From here I can make a meaningful life, even when life is meaningless.

My friend has been saying for years that life is meaningless. He subscribes to the philosophy of existentialism. This is a philosophy I’ve always agreed with, at least cognitively. But, it wasn’t until recently that I was able to really feel the entire concept fully throughout my body and soul.

While Lying in Savasana

I was lying in savasana, relaxing after an intense yoga practice, when a thought reappeared. Yeah, I know I’m supposed to let the thought glide by like a cloud, but this time I couldn’t.

I say ‘reappeared’ because I’ve had this thought before. Thing is I usually don’t give it air time as it’s far too scary to process. But, for some reason I was ready. So I gave in, let the thought fester, and allowed the visions to unfold.

I saw my travels spread out before me. I observed how things really didn’t change much in different places. I didn’t change much. Thus it didn’t matter where I went. I could travel around the world and back, and my life was always going to be what I made of it.

I lay there with the simultaneous emptiness and empowerment these visions filled me with. I actually embraced how alarming this realization was.

After a few more moments of allowing these thoughts, visions, and feelings to take root, I saw that in the core of my being all I’m really doing on this planet is passing time.

I always thought there was some grand story I was playing out, or that I was en-route to finding a predetermined purpose to evangelize, but that day I understood. There is no grand scheme. There is no greater purpose. I’m just here until I’m not.

Facing the Fear

Yeah, scary, I know.

Once I sat with the realization without trying to negate it with my usual defensive thoughts like “No, I have purpose! I’m here to help my friends and family live a happier life.” or “No, that’s ridiculous. Obviously there is a bigger script I’m playing out!”, the most amazing thing happened.

I felt an immense amount of freedom. A burden was lifted. I was back in the driver seat.

Rainbow over Hood River Oregon — The reward after the storm.

Choosing Joy

Roll with me on this one. If life is meaningless and there’s no script I’m supposed to play out, it really is entirely up to me to define my life. In this case, there is no reason for me to define that life based off of trying to create a narrative that feeds my and society’s ego. Why live life for anyone or anything else? It’s my life!

What I should do instead of trying to live according to some script (which doesn’t exist at least in this thought experiment) is choose joy in each moment. Why, because why not? Choosing sadness or angst don’t make me feel very good, and I’d rather feel good than bad.

Cat cuddled on a couch — Ron certainly chooses joy in each moment.

The Point of No Return

I won’t deny that I hesitated to really feel all of this. If I choose to focus only on joy in each moment, would I just be giving up, being lazy, or ensuring ultimate turmoil? Says the line of thinking that’s kept me in fear this long.

But, the feeling I had in that meditation was so crystal clear, I mean it went straight to the core of all that I am, that I knew my understanding of life had shifted and there was no going back.

Diving Into a Meaningless Life

I next decided to re-acquaint myself with existential theory. After some amateur research on the subject I found this principle which I think exemplifies what I felt that day:

“Authentic existence involves the idea that one has to ‘create oneself’ and then live in accordance with this self. What is meant by authenticity is that in acting, one should act as oneself, not as ‘one’s acts’ or as ‘one’s genes’ or any other essence requires. The authentic act is one that is in accordance with one’s freedom., ‘the inauthentic is the denial to live in accordance with one’s freedom. This can take many forms, from pretending choices are meaningless or random, through convincing oneself that some form of determinism is true, to a sort of ‘mimicry’ where one acts as ‘one should’.”

The idea here is that living an authentic existence, in this case living a life where I choose my own freedom and joy in each moment, is paramount to living a happy and peaceful life. Each moment has a purpose of finding joy, but there isn’t some overall predetermined purpose for my entire existence.

Anxiety vs. Joy

Let’s stop here for a minute. Take a breath, and think about what you just read. What if there was no purpose you were supposed to uphold in life? All you need to do is find whatever joy you can in each moment given the circumstances you’re in. That’s it.

Maybe I’m not here to, say, empower others, but only to smile instead of scream when the dog throws up on the rug (not that I’m speaking from personal experience).

The seemingly depressing part about this thought experiment for me is the idea that “my life has no purpose”. I, for one, have been trained since I was born to believe that my life should be purposeful, but I never stopped to question why that’s the case. I just know that when I think that my life is pointless, I feel not so good about it.

I learned that this angst is something called existential anxiety.

Here’s a further description of the term: “Whether referred to as existential angst, despair, or anxiety, the concept is the same: the idea is that life is inherently pointless. That our existence has no meaning because there are limits or boundaries on it, namely, that we all must die someday.”

Well, that’s depressing.

Until I found the opposite of this anxiety, existential joy.

Here’s some more about this more hopeful term: “Existential joy is the direct opposite of existential anxiety. The joy of being one with the world counters the feeling of being disconnected and isolated from the world. Existential joy is what helps one to transcend the kind of anxiety that is all encompassing.”

All this to say, if my life doesn’t have an overall, predetermined meaning, it doesn’t mean I can’t make a meaningful life. It just means that someone or something else isn’t in control of defining meaning in my life.

Making a Meaningful Life When Life is Meaningless

How do I make a meaningful life if life is meaningless? I’m glad you asked! This is where choosing joy in each moment comes in. Allow me to provide another example.

Recently I rewatched the movie Groundhog Day. Watching it after having these reflections and thoughts blew my mind.

Bill Murray’s character is stuck living the same day over and over again; a metaphor for modern day life. After battling his existential angst, he realizes that he is the only one who can bring joy and meaning back to his life, and he sets out to do just that.

He basically just starts doing things that bring him joy. He learns to play musical instruments. He starts helping others around him (which makes him joyful). He basically reflects then takes action on, what will make him happy in each moment.

Although he knows he is bound to a life of the same day over and over again, he chooses joy in each and every instance he can instead of succumbing to madness. He may not have control over the events of the day, but he does have control over how he views them.

For me, the big lesson I’m taking away from Bill and from my recent yogic reflections is that of choosing to opt in to being the master of my own domain. Life truly is what I make it (thank you DMX and Nas).

So, I’m going to work hard to choose joy in every moment. Because otherwise, what else is there but the passing of time?

"Lis" written in the sand — A name in the sand.

Keys to Happiness Structures This Is Living

Finding Yourself is the Ultimate Goal… Isn’t It?

Posted on September 24, 2019by Lis

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~ Thomas Szasz

I’ve been in Warsaw about 2.5 weeks, and during that time I’ve begun noticing the most glorious shift!

The change was subtle at first. It wasn’t really a consistent state of being like I often assume internal shifts will be. It was more a sensation that kept cropping up in the most random and ordinary of moments. Because of this randomness, I couldn’t quite decipher what the cause of the new feeling was.

After observing the ebb and flow of it a few times, I chose to sit with this new feeling for without distraction. It only look a minute or two for the understanding of what it represented to appear.

I saw how I was EXCITED and INSPIRED to simply be MYSELF.

This was the first I had felt this way in a VERY long time. I’d probably not even entertained this notion since I was a young child still lacking the influences of society. It was refreshing and freeing. Moreover, it was empowering and gave me hope.

Let me break down further what it was like to experience this feeling.

Recently my business partner and I started a social media campaign where we were trying to find specific companies we’d like to partner with.Unfortunately, we didn’t get many responses, and this outcome had me both worried and giving zero f*cks all at the same time.

The second point of view was something I had heard about, but didn’t remember ever feeling. So, I decided to examine it further.

When I connected with this ‘zero f*cks given’ side, I saw that not only did I not care what others thought about our campaign and its outcome (which was, my ego kept yelling to me, “playing out in real time for all to see!”), but I also witnessed myself receiving a great deal of fulfillment from posting information that was a direct reflection of our truth and hard work.

Other examples of experiencing the feeling included instances when I found myself walking outside in a foreign city with an air of confidence instead of a blanket of anxiety or visiting museums that maybe weren’t as popular but aligned with my interests or trying new foods based off a non-goal based curiosity.

Each time I took the stance of doing me and not caring what others thought, I felt SO DAMN GOOD!

Warsaw walkway through green park. — Having the confidence to step outside meant a walk through the beautiful park.

Student paintings hung on a fence — It also meant finding some fun art outside a nearby school.

Warsaw bus sign — I had the courage to get out of my comfort zone and navigate the Warsaw bus system. This is one of the signs on the bus.

I tried to attribute this new found self confidence to my friends, their apartment, and my staying in and around their energy. But, my friend, being the great person he is, wasn’t having it. He asserted, “Told ya, you’ve found yourself, this has nothing to do with Jack, us or Warsaw. Honored nevertheless!”

Jack Russell Terrier close up — I was sure Jack had inspired my new found feeling.

Then the thought hit me. Maybe he’s right? Maybe I HAVE, after a year and a half of this winding road, found myself?

These questions then forced me to ask: What the hell IS finding myself, again?

I reminded myself that I already had the answer, that finding yourself is the same as knowing yourself, and that ultimately it’s the process of unearthing what makes up the core of my being, then aligning my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with that core.

The results of this discovery process, no matter what term you use to label it (NOTE: I decided to go with the “finding yourself” terminology today because I wanted to uphold the original quote from my friend AND I wanted to point out that the labels don’t matter. The process is the process.), are an insane amount of joy, positivity, and sense of fulfillment.

fisherman by a pond — I’m sure this fisherman has found himself in this moment, and if not, I enjoyed seeing him.

Finding self is not only about these outcomes, but, as Allison Fallon tells us it also helps decrease depression, anxiety, and codependent tendencies. On top of that, Tanya-Camilleri explains how finding self helps people have more meaningful connections (because we’re connecting to others as ourselves, not as the facades we put on to ensure others like us).

The reality is that these benefits stem from actively doing the work. That work is about honoring and giving voice to the inner ME that I’ve been quieting since childhood. Doing this work means putting myself first, in all situations. It also means losing myself (i.e. dropping my survival facade) to find myself (i.e. letting my inner self shine!).

coffee cup — “Sometimes” I lose myself to find myself with a cup of coffee

It’s also about sitting still long enough to realize that I’m not “screwing it all up” by not being perfect. For example, a few weeks ago I read this inspiring article about a man who became location independent and found his work and life’s passions.

Instead of thinking “Damn. I’m nowhere near where he’s at. I must be a failure.” I thought “oh wow it took him a few years to figure out his travel too, and he had someone with him helping! I can DO THIS!” I gave voice to my inner self who knows I’m on this journey for a reason, and quieted the part of me that aligned with the naysayer forces who tell us going your own way is wrong.

After patiently, and consistently, coming back to these seemingly small practices, I do believe I’ve found myself. At the very least, I’m off to a damn good start.

But, be warned! There are some major drawbacks to this self discovery journey. As I was made privy to these early on in my quest, it’s only right that I share these realities with you. Here goes.

One of the first disadvantages of finding yourself is, well, I’ll just say it; it’s losing others. You’ll start to figure out that the people you have around you are a direct reflection of who you are today and who you’ve been. Some of them may be willing to come down the road of self-growth with you. Many of them will not be.

Sometimes this will mean ending or letting go of relationships and friendships. Other times it means the relationships shift. Whatever happens, to think that you can go through these intense growth moments and have the people around you remain the same is just not realistic. I recognize this is a REALLY hard concept to accept, but I assure you it’s true. The sooner you sit with and accept it, the easier it will be.

Further, because you are doing so much work on yourself and changing in the process, you may find frustration with other people around you (friends or strangers) who simply “don’t get it”. Remember they have chosen to not do the same work for their own reasons, and to expect others to be where you are is also unrealistic. Much patience will be needed in this regard.

Finally, you may also find you become frustrated with or ashamed of yourself for wanting to stray from the pack. I’ve often caught myself thinking: Why can’t I just believe in what they believe in? Why can’t I just be normal? I have to accept this discomfort and learn to love myself through it.

All this to say just because I work on myself I don’t think I’m “better” or “more evolved” than others, nor should I view myself this way. It just makes sense that if I engage in self work I’m going to turn out different. The more I strengthen myself, the less energy I will be putting towards holding up others. That just is.

I have witnessed this dynamic time and again. My dear friend has been working on himself for far longer than I. In fact, his lifelong self-discovery efforts have not only guided, but have inspired me. For years he would say, “Don’t try to be like me, yo. People won’t like you. You’ll see things differently and won’t be able to have conversations like you can now. You’ll be isolated and alone. I don’t recommend this path.”

He told me this out of love. I saw his life and path, and I still see it today. People are intimidated by his self knowledge and belief in himself. They feel attacked by his very plain, matter of fact demeanor, when he means no ill-will towards them. He’s just so certain of himself, while most of us aren’t, that being himself forces others to see how much of an act they are putting on. When people are faced with their own facade (I say this from experience) they can’t accept their own actions, so they take out their self judgement onto him.

By being himself so completely, he’s not bending towards others as we’ve been taught to do. This lack of bending is what others take to mean he isn’t a good, caring person. Fact is, he cares, he just doesn’t show it in the societally defined way anymore. He shows it in his way.

Obviously this isn’t a fun place for him to be. In addition, and this is something I’ve begun noticing for myself as well lately, by him living a life without distractions everything is REAL. He can’t NOT see the reality of how a situation is playing out. Others think he is being all-knowing, but in reality he can’t turn the reality off! He’s often saying “I wish I could go back into the matrix and be ignorant of it all. I long for that bliss.”

In short, the consequences of deep self work are just as real as the benefits.

Now you may be wondering: Why would I want to do this work if it means setting me apart from others in my life?

Frankly, you may not want to… and that is OK! All of this is 100% your choice. My friend told me time and again not to follow his lead, but I didn’t feel I could turn the tide and stop! I needed to find myself.

I needed to do this because of how genuine, aligned, and purposeful it makes me feel. I feel sheer bliss in knowing and living my truth. I know that by doing this I can be a better help to those around me and contribute more to the world. Plus, having less people in my life doesn’t mean I end up alone, it just means I have fewer distractions. Those people who align with who I am are still around, and our relationships are stronger than ever (despite sometimes very necessary hard conversations).

Thus, I’ve made my decision to go ahead with working on myself and living my truth. But, again, that’s my decision. You need to ask yourself if the results are worth it to you (a question of self discovery in and of itself, btw). If they aren’t and you don’t opt out of the work, that’s a perfectly acceptable and applaudable answer.

But, if you find they are, gather up your courage and join me on this lonely, but loving path.

I guarantee you it’s the most insightful and fulfilling journey you’ll ever take.